Why Relationship Counselling Isn't Working Yet

Sometimes the problem between you began long before the relationship did.

A couple sit apart in a relationship counselling room, with the shadows of their younger selves behind them representing the attachment wounds shaping their conflict.

You're arguing about the dishes again. Not even the whole dishwasher, just whose turn it was to unload it, which is such a stupid thing for two grown adults to be yelling about.

‍He goes quiet. You push harder. He pulls back even more. By the time you're both sitting in the counsellor's office, nicely dressed, pretending to be perfectly reasonable adults, neither of you can actually explain how something this small turned into something this big.

‍Because the dishes were never really the problem. They're just where it landed.

‍ ‍Sometimes there are four people in the counselling room. Two adults. And two younger selves: one reaching for reassurance, the other pulling away for safety.

‍Relationship counselling isn't failing you. What's probably happening is that the tools you're being taught don't work very well on a nervous system that already feels under threat. Even a brilliant counsellor can only get a couple as far as each partner is actually capable of showing up. If either of you is still reacting from old wounds, formed way before this relationship even started, counselling might give you better words for the fight, without ever touching what's actually driving it.

‍In this example she's the one reaching and he's the one pulling away, but it goes both ways. Plenty of men do the reaching. Plenty of women do the withdrawing. Most couples swap roles depending on the fight.

Why do you keep having the same fight?

‍Nobody signs up for the relationship counselling referee. In the beginning, everything was fine. Better than fine, actually. You were both well rested, on your best behaviour, and nobody else's needs were involved yet. The person you fell for was real. You just met them before life got complicated.

‍Then comfort set in, like it always does, and the excitement that got you through those first small arguments turned into routine. That's not a bad thing. It's just what happens when two people stop performing for each other and start actually living together.

‍And then, for a lot of couples, kids come along. ‍

What actually changes once you have kids?

‍Kids don't cause your unresolved stuff. They just drag it out into the open, usually at 4am, in front of nobody but each other.

‍A baby who won't settle. A toddler who won't listen. A school run that goes wrong every single morning. A neurodivergent kid losing it over a last-minute change of plans nobody could have prevented. All of it becomes this mirror you didn't ask for, showing you exactly where your patience runs out.

‍First, the biology. Mums go through massive hormonal, neurological and physical changes around this time, on top of the pregnancy, birth and no sleep. Dads change too, even if nobody talks about it much, adjusting to a new role and a different version of their partner. You're both more short-tempered, not because you've turned into worse people, but because your nervous system is now looking after someone else as well, and there's only so much of you to go around.

So the couple who eventually book relationship counselling are rarely the same two people who fell in love. They're two exhausted humans, worn down by kids, work and no sleep, each one carrying some old wound that parenting has just dragged into the light, arguing about whose turn it is to do the dishes like that's actually the issue.

‍It never is. ‍

The cycle neither of you is choosing

‍Picture the couple from the start of this. He goes quiet the second her voice goes up, because in his family, a raised voice meant something bad was about to happen. She pushes harder the second he goes quiet, because in hers, silence meant she was being punished, or worse, abandoned.

‍To her, his silence feels like abandonment. To him, her pushing feels like a threat. So she moves closer to feel safe. He moves further away to feel safe. And every time either of them does that, it just confirms what the other one was already afraid of.

Neither of them is doing this on purpose. They're both just running an old pattern their body picked up a long time ago, from someone who isn't even in the room anymore.

‍Throw in a toddler redecorating the hallway with yoghurt, and you can see why the counsellor spends half the session just untangling the actual argument from the two old wounds doing all the talking. ‍

Why does counselling feel like it's not working?

‍Be honest with yourself. What are you actually bringing into that room? Is it just tonight's argument, or is it also the version of you that learned, years before this relationship, that conflict means danger, that needing something makes you a burden, that it's safer to say nothing at all?

Here's a good way to tell. When your reaction is way bigger than what's actually happening in front of you, that extra size is coming from somewhere else. Your body isn't really reacting to tonight. It's reacting to every time this ever happened before.

This is also why it's so hard to actually use the communication tools when you need them most. The second your body senses a threat, it reacts before your brain gets a say. Your heart rate spikes, your breathing goes shallow, and the calm, reasonable part of you, the one holding the script and the good intentions, just isn't running the show anymore. That's why you can be mid-sentence, saying something you'll regret later, while some small part of you is watching on, completely unable to stop it.

Even the best communication tools live in that part of you that's just switched off. That's not the counselling failing. It's just really hard to talk your way through a moment your body has already decided is dangerous.

Should you sort yourself out before couples counselling?

The shift that needs to happen first isn't "we're finally doing the work together," which sounds good but usually isn't quite true yet. It's more like walking into that room already having a decent understanding of what you bring to it, before you ask it to hold anything else.

That old wiring was never a character flaw. It was built by a much younger version of you, trying to solve the only problem that mattered at the time, staying safely connected to the people you needed. It worked, or you wouldn't still be doing it. That doesn't mean it's welcome at this table anymore, with a partner who was never actually the threat it was built to watch for.

Sort out as much of your own stuff as you can, either before or alongside couples counselling, and something shifts in the room. You stop mistaking your partner's tone for someone from your childhood, and you're actually able to hear them, instead of defending against a threat that isn't real.

So what can actually help with this?

‍Sorting your own wiring out doesn't mean years of solo work before you're allowed back in the room together.

‍TRTP, The Richards Trauma Process, is three focused sessions over about a fortnight, followed by a check-in call a month later. It's designed to deal with the actual pattern behind the reaction, so you're not just managing it in the moment forever. It's not an ongoing programme, and it won't magically fix every source of conflict in your relationship. It's a specific piece of work, with a clear start and finish, aimed at the wiring that keeps getting set off.

Do that first, or alongside relationship counselling or communication coaching, and then you have two whole people in the room to actually work with, instead of four.

A note on safety

Everything above assumes you're both, underneath it all, safe with each other, even on the days the fighting feels awful. If what's happening in your relationship involves abuse, coercive control, or real danger, that's a completely different situation, and it should never be treated as old wiring or something you're both equally responsible for. If that's what's going on for you, please reach out to a specialised support service before trying anything in this article. ‍

If this is what's actually happening in your relationship

If you keep having the same fight, just wearing a different outfit, dishes this week, money next week, his mother the week after, the problem is probably sitting deeper than communication. It's likely the place where your nervous system first learned what conflict, silence or needing someone actually meant.

That can be understood. It can also change.

Book an Alignment Call to find out if TRTP is the right fit for you.

Frequently asked questions

Why isn't relationship counselling working for us?

Counselling deals with what happens between two people. If either of you is reacting from old wiring formed way earlier in life, the tools you're taught can be genuinely good and still really hard to use in the moment, because your nervous system is responding to old danger, not what's actually happening now.

Why do the same fights keep happening?

Because it's rarely about the actual topic. It's usually an old pattern of pushing and pulling away that got set up long before this relationship. The subject changes. The pattern doesn't, until you deal with it directly.

What actually changes once you have kids?

Kids tend to expose whatever capacity you already had, rather than create new problems. Hormonal changes, no sleep, and both of you running on empty mean old patterns show up a lot more than they did before kids.

Should I sort myself out before couples counselling?

It helps to deal with as much of your own stuff as you can, either before or alongside couples counselling. Even sorting out some of it changes how you show up, because you're less likely to react to your partner like they're the original source of an old wound.

Can TRTP help with relationship patterns?

For some people, yes, it takes a lot of the heat out of what they were bringing into the relationship. For others, it just means the counselling they're already doing has more to work with. It's not a guarantee, and it doesn't replace relationship counselling for everyone.

Is it ever too late to do this kind of work?

No. It doesn't matter what stage you're at, early days, deep in the parenting trenches, or years down the track with teenagers. This kind of work still applies.